For a very long time in my life, I was miserable and everything in my world was a mess I would wake up in the morning dreading another day and fantasizing about something that would save me – even death itself. My every focus including every word I spoke was on how miserable and terrible my life was and how much pain I had experienced in my life. I was committed to and in love with my pain. I tried and tried to end the addiction but I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t know anything else except the pain. I only saw, heard, tasted, felt and touched problems.
I even wondered who would I be without this part of me. I was more afraid of what would happen to me if I were happy and successful. Would anyone even want to be in my life? Would I be abandoned by those people who were just as committed to and in love with my pain as I was? But then one day through the grace of the Divine I met a spiritual counselor who helped me to see glimpses of who I really was and reminded me that I have a CHOICE at all times. I can choose happiness, love and peace or I can choose unhappiness, hate and misery. This sounded so crazy to me at the time. I remember saying to myself – “Yeah right, are you f*cking kidding me. Everything in my life is a mess!!! How do you expect me to choose to be happy when everything in my life is going f*cking wrong?!!”
With the help of this spiritual counselor, I was able to change my life. But it required my intention, attention and work on my part. The key here is that I was and am willing to do what I need to do to change. Every single day I prayed, meditated, started feeling my repressed feelings, bonded with myself and I became aware of my thoughts and beliefs. I also changed my eating habits and began to practice yoga. It didn’t stop there. I worked with this spiritual counselor to forgive others but most importantly myself. It was a very hard journey because I made it that way. There were days I wanted to kill myself because I was reminded of so much hurt – not just from the past but what I had been experiencing in that present moment in my most current relationships and experiences. But I was also reminded that I was the one who was cherishing the memories of my past and present by not releasing my feelings towards it. If anything was going to change it would be up to me to change it. I would have to make a CHOICE. I am not going to lie to you. Every single day felt like agony. Why? Because I had to make a CHOICE to be different, to do things I had never done before, to take a step each day to make a change and be willing to give it up. I had to make the CHOICE to give up my commitment and love affair with pain and to who I was.
Today, I am empowered by the energy of CHOICE. While I’m reminded of how my life once was and how easy it is to fall back into familiar patterns, I make the CHOICE each day to be different. Why do I do this? Because I believe in my heart there is something more than what I see around me. I know this to be true because on the road to healing my life changed. I feel love and peace, something I have never felt before in my life – EVER!!! And it happened because I make the CHOICE to change my inner world. My commitment and love affair is now with my life and me. And as my inner world continues to change so does my outer world. No one can do it for me. I make the CHOICE to do it for myself.
Love Yourself! Weekly Assignment
I invite you to journal about the following questions:
1) Do you believe you have a CHOICE to change your current reality?
2) Are you willing to make the CHOICE to change? Or are you more committed and in love with pain?
3) What spiritual practice have you incorporated into your daily life? (It doesn’t matter what it is, it just matters that you have one).
4) What are you doing to change your life if you are unhappy with it? Or do you notice that you just like to complain about it and all you see are problems?
5) Can you make a list of solutions and opportunities you have available to you?
6) What is one step you can take this week to move towards changing your circumstance?
