Relationship endings can be painful and challenging to overcome. While the most common solution is to rebound into another relationship, these relationships rarely survive beyond a few months. If you choose this path, you may fall into the same relationship patterns repeatedly. However, you can choose to take advantage of your new relationship status by utilizing FLOW triggers to learn from the past and recreate your life.
Flow is a state of mind in which a person becomes fully immersed in an activity. Positive psychologist, Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, describes flow as a “state of complete immersion in an activity.[i]” According, to author and speaker Steven Kotler, “flow triggers drive attention into the here and now. Put differently, these triggers are the very things that evolution shaped our brain to pay the most attention to.[ii]”
Therefore, a breakup or divorce can ultimately be a positive experience when we utilize flow triggers because we are focused on the here and now and not in the past. It can be an initiation to tap into your heart, transform old patterns and beliefs into what you genuinely desire and Flow into Love.
Learn from your previous relationship and prepare for your future partner:
- Get Curious…every relationship provides at least one significant lesson. What did your relationship teach you about you? Relationships typically end because of mindsets and behaviors. Determine where you may have had some limiting beliefs or a fixed mindset and decide to do it differently next time. If you focus on the lessons and grow from what you learn, you will change the outcome of the type of relationship that you will have in the future.
- Challenge Yourself to Not Dwell on the Past. Unless there are children involved, consider ceasing all contact. Resist the tendency to “accidentally” run into them at your favorite hangout, send a late-night text message, or check out their Facebook, Instagram, etc. Take anything that reminds you of them, box it up, and put it away.
- Give Yourself Your Complete Concentration. Focus on You. It can be tempting to skimp on your hygiene, sit in front of the TV in your sweats, and eat junk food. However, it’s important to continue taking care of yourself. Take a shower, do what you love and maintain your normal routine. This is a perfect time to focus on you and think about the next chapter of your life and how you want it to look like and be.
- Deep Embodiment: Get into Your Body and Feel Your Feelings. Feelings buried deep down inside of you never die and keeps you stagnant. To move forward and pull in the partner you truly desire, you must allow yourself to feel and release the feelings you have towards your ex. Utilize exercise and physical activity to keep moving the emotions and energy out of your body so you can feel at peace. Holding onto the painful emotions of what your ex did or didn’t do keeps you captive to the past. Staying in the present and in the deep now allows you to be open to new possibilities and opportunities.
- Set Clear Goals. Create the life you have been dreaming about. This is a great time to work on your passion project, find the job you want, start a new hobby, invest or save money, get in shape, travel the world, etc. Set some clear goals of when you will achieve them. This will keep you focused on you. Feel good about your life and yourself before dating again. You want to have a great life to share with someone else, rather than find someone to fill in all the gaps or to solve your challenges. By accomplishing your goals, you will feel good about you and make you a more attractive partner, too.
- Autonomy: Enjoy being single. When you are in a relationship, you have less time to do other things that you would do when you are single. Enjoy your freedom. Spend more time with your friends and family. Focus on your life and your dream goals.
- Get Feedback. Ask previous partners, friends, and family members whom you trust what they saw that you could have done better in your relationship. Find out things about yourself that you are unaware of as this will help you to be more conscious of what you can do to shift the dynamics of your next relationship.
- Novelty: After getting feedback, learn some new skills to help you be a better partner. For example, take a class or two on how to communicate your needs and wants better. Maybe you would like to learn how to protect or maintain your boundaries. Or perhaps you may need to learn more about yourself, your values, and your own personality. The more you develop skills to better relate to others and the more you know yourself, the more likely you will be to connect with a partner whom you are truly desiring.
- Be Creative. Make a list of what you’d like in a potential partner. Decide what you’re looking for. Think about your past relationship experiences and put together a description of all the qualities, skills, etc. that you would like your new in a new partner. Identify must haves and deal breakers. Begin looking and avoid straying too far from your list of requirements. This will help you to avoid falling into old patterns.
- Take a Risk. Do what you have not done before. Take it slow, be vulnerable and face any fears you might have about being in a relationship. When you find a potential match, enjoy it. There’s no rush. The more you learn about a person as a friend the easier it is to walk away if you discover they are not your right match. And if they are the right fit for you the better your relationship will be if it is built on a solid foundation of honesty, clarity, and friendship.
A breakup or divorce is an ideal time for self-examination, making positive changes in your every day and ultimately creating the life of your dreams. There’s no reason to be in a hurry to find a new partner. Move on from the past, stay in the present and flow into love with you, your life and with all your relationships
If you would like to delve deeper into these flow triggers, shifting your mindset and creating a flow lifestyle while working with a coach, the Flow Into Love Relationship Flow Coaching Program might be for you.
[i] The Psychology of Flow, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-flow-2794768
[ii] Steven Kotler, https://www.stevenkotler.com/rabbit-hole/frequently-asked-questions-on-flow