A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others. A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity. ~ Anne Katherine
While it is said we are all ONE, which is indeed the case when you are exploring and talking about your spiritual selves, we are actually and obviously separate human beings. This separateness, while it makes your ego feel alone because to the spirit we are all connected, actually provides a sense of well being as you walk the earth. Boundaries help you to feel safe. They are absolutely important and necessary in order for you to function in the world. When you strengthen your boundaries, you gain clarity as to whom you are which helps you develop your self-esteem. Also, your interactions with others are more meaningful because the better you know yourself the more intimate and open you can be in relationship. You have mental, emotional, spiritual and physical boundaries. When someone trespasses you in any one of these 4 areas they are violating you. And when you trespass someone’s boundaries including your own you are violating them.
Mental Boundary – you have your own thoughts and your thoughts are yours. No one has the right to tell you how and what to think or that your thinking is wrong. You can choose to think the sky is green if you want to. Yes there is a fine line here. As long as your actions that align with your thoughts are not causing you or anyone else any harm, you can think whatever you want. Many people believed Einstein was crazy because his thoughts and what he created because of them was unconventional for his time. The same is true for Mozart and others. And they each proved to be brilliant. When you suppress your thoughts from creating something you are passionate about you are violating your own boundaries. Another way you violate yourself is when you distract yourself from thinking about you, your dreams and desires. For example, you are in a relationship with someone and you are consumed with thoughts of this other person. You are constantly checking out their Facebook page, texting, emailing and calling them. Your attention is focused on them and not on yourself. You have violated your own boundaries and actually theirs by suffocating them with your own agenda.
Emotional Boundary – we each have our own feelings and reactions to things. Your feelings are uniquely yours. You also have a limit to what feels safe and appropriate in a relationship to the way others treat you emotionally. No one has the power to make you feel a certain way. If you feel angry toward someone for the way they have treated you then it is within your right and power to protect your boundary. Emotional boundaries also determine how close or not you want someone to be with you emotionally. For example – in a partnership/marriage and/or familial relationship it is completely appropriate to expect the person to tell you how they feel about you and vice versa. If someone is withholding their emotions from you then they are violating your boundaries. This is called emotional distance. Also, if someone is pouring out all of their emotions to you in desperation of your love and acceptance and you just met them last week, well they just violated your boundaries and their own.
Spiritual Boundary – you are the only one who knows the right spiritual path for you. We each have our own belief systems and have a right to choose what we want to believe. No one has the right to tell you what to believe. You can be assisted, guided and lead along a spiritual path but not forced. Your spiritual development comes from within you. If someone is badgering you about going to church, temple, etc. or having a particular spiritual practice and it is not within your belief system to do so then that person is violating your boundaries. For example, someone keeps coming to your home, knocking on your door after being told not to, proclaiming your eternal salvation is based on whether you were to practice and participate in their religion because all others were wrong. If you don’t believe that then this person would be violating your boundaries.
Physical Boundaries – you have a limit of how close or far you want someone to be with your physical bodies. If someone physically assaults you they have violated your boundaries. Also, if someone like your partner or spouse has chosen to continually not be physically close with you without there being just cause for it this is a violation. Physical boundaries are not just sexual they include the actual physical distance or closeness you have with another. You have a fence around your home because you don’t want strangers or even some neighbors roaming through your backyard. The same is true for the front door to your home.
Boundaries require maintenance. You take your car into the shop for an oil change, you visit the your dentist for a 6 month check up and go to your doctor for a physical. You also need to do the same with your boundaries. Some people think, as I did, that once you develop your boundaries that’s it, you have done all the work you need to do and will ever do with boundaries. Well – reality check, you need to check in with yourself frequently about your boundaries in every relationship and situation. People change, relationships change and so do you. As everyone and everything shifts so do your boundaries. Boundaries can be firm or flexible, changing and shifting as you and the people you are in relationship with. Some boundaries you have with certain people can be very flexible and while with others they can be very firm.
For example, you just created a relationship with someone. At first you might have firm boundaries. Sharing only certain things about yourself. The sharing of information shifts as the relationship shifts and so do your boundaries with respect to the level of comfort and trust you have with this person you are in relationship with. As time passes, you feel more comfortable and trusting, and you share more of your mind, emotions, spirit, and physical space and body. Thus, your boundaries have shifted.
This is when you get really comfortable, your boundaries are flexible and it feels good. But what if this person does something to hurt you once, twice, even three times? You will need to check in with yourself and determine if the boundaries are still appropriate for the relationship. And maybe it isn’t that this person did something to hurt you. Maybe they want to shift the relationship in some way or explore certain things about themselves and this exploration affects you and the relationship. Your choice is to check in with yourself to see if the boundaries you have setup in the relationship need to be adjusted so you can continue to feel safe in your world.
Healthy boundaries within your mind, emotions, body and spirit allows you to feel good and safe. They are flexible enough so you can choose what you want to let in and firm enough so you can choose what you want to keep out. You choose to keep out meanness and hostility, and let in love and affection. If you are allowing meanness and hostility into your life then you may have weak boundaries and it would be appropriate for you to explore this more deeply as to why you are allowing this behavior into your space. If you aren’t experiencing love and affection then it would also be appropriate for you to explore why you aren’t allowing this energy into your space. And for some of you, you might be saying to yourself well I would allow more love and affection into my space but my partner or so and so doesn’t show it. Well – this question still falls on you – do you have healthy boundaries in this relationship or has this person violated your boundaries by being emotionally distant?
The level of honesty, safety, independence and growth you feel with respect to a relationship or situation will affect your boundaries. So check in with yourself. Ask yourself – am I being honest with myself about what my needs are? Am I being honest with myself about the relationship I am in? Is the person I am in relationship with violating my boundaries? Do I allow my boundaries to be violated by not speaking up about my needs? You owe it to yourself to feel safe in your world. If you are not protecting your boundaries then who is? No one else is going to protect them for you and this means your front door is wide open. Go close it unless you don’t mind the whole world trampling all over your home and you.
