“Trust is the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something, one in which confidence is placed.” ~ Merriam Webster
Your ability to trust is directly related to what you learned and what was modeled to you as a child. Your parents/caregivers modeled trust. If your parents/caregivers were present, loving, accepting and attentive to your needs and to you then you learned to trust them. However, if your parents/caregivers were absent, abusive, manipulative, liars, emotionally distant, judgmental, etc. then you learned to mistrust. This then sets the stage for your ability or inability to trust not only the people you are in relationship but yourself too. Your parents/caregivers taught you not only how to treat others but how to treat yourself.
Some of you may be saying to yourself – well I never wanted to be like my parents/caregivers so I act completely different from them. This may be true but only on the surface. The voice in your head that tells you can’t trust him or her is the voice of fear and also the voice of what you learned from your parents. You understand this at a very deep level – the Self within you. The Self within you is what also guides you to knowing what and who can be trusted, and what or who you cannot.
It All Starts With You
The relationship with your Self teaches you how and whether to trust your Self. The key to trusting others is being able to trust yourself. Do you tell others and your own SELF the truth about what you want, what you believe, your thoughts and feelings? Or in the moment it comes up do you shove it down just as fast by telling yourself (with your own internal judgments) – “no I don’t want to think, feel or believe that or I’m not going to think, feel or believe that!” And then do you switch your thoughts, feelings and beliefs to something else without allowing those original thoughts, feelings and beliefs to be what they are? This behavior is really about you lying to yourself telling yourself that you can’t trust yourself to be authentic, and discounting your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. If you want different thoughts, beliefs and feelings you must be willing to accept what they are first and then reprogram yourself with what you do want.
What about when you do something that you really don’t want to do but you do it anyway to please someone else. You are sending a message to yourself that you are not important and that you can’t trust yourself to honor your boundaries. Similarly, when someone asks yourself questions about you and you lie to them because you are afraid they will reject you, you send yourself a message that you can’t trust your self to tell the truth because they will judge or reject you.
Feel Safe Within You First
Are you willing to disappoint another to be true to yourself? Can you protect your boundaries when someone violates you? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe? Answering yes to all of these questions provides the space for you to feel safe within yourself and thus you can interact with the world in a healthy way. When you don’t protect your boundaries you feel that others will not respect them. YOU project on to others or the world what you are doing or not doing for yourself. You are either trusting people who are not trustworthy or sabotaging relationships with people who are trustworthy. This is because you never learned “how to” trust.
It should be stated that to blindly trust someone is not healthy for you either. You will either sabotage yourself and/or the relationship when you blindly trust someone. You need to allow yourself the space and opportunity to observe someone’s words and actions, and experience it overtime. This allows you time to check in with yourself and determine if there is a consistency with the other person’s words and actions. Sometimes you will know immediately whether or not you can trust another person. However, allowing yourself the opportunity to observe words and actions will provide you with a FEELING inside of yourself that says TRUST – “no go” or ‘yes go”.
The key ingredient here is in the feeling of safety that is developed over time through the consistency of words and actions. The same is true within you. Are you consistent in your words and actions? Are you saying one thing and doing another? How can you expect someone to trust you? How can you expect the Self within to trust you as well? Being consistent with your own words and actions allows the space for others, including you, to trust you.
Trust and Relationships
You learn to trust yourself when you can show yourself you will do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy and safe. Trust develops over time in layers to the extent you are able to heal your wounds. The same is true within your relationships. For example, in my own life, I have had partners who were unfaithful. This was modeled to me by my own father’s infidelity with my mother. My ability to trust past partners developed over time in layers to the extent I was willing to heal my wounds. I had expressed my pain to them and that created a layer of trust. I expressed my needs and boundaries to these previous partners and that created yet another layer of trust. But did I 100% completely trust them not to cheat on me? I can’t really say 100% and so my old wounds were not completely healed. While these relationships have helped me to heal there is still a place within me that needs acceptance, love and compassion because it is not ready to trust completely. This is showing me not only the healing I desire for myself within my partner relationship but my relationship with the Divine and within me. To 100% completely TRUST the Divine and ME to care for all my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental needs through a deeply intimate relationship is my ultimate goal.
Life is an experience. Just because our parents/caregivers hurt us doesn’t mean the rest of the world will also. What is it about that experience that has or will help you to learn more about yourself? Perhaps it is merely the fact that you can take care of yourself no matter what and it isn’t that you “need” someone to do that for you. You can do it for yourself. You can trust yourself. This is true enlightenment, empowerment and spirituality. Trust creates more intimacy and intimacy creates more trust which are both created over time. The more you trust and are intimate with the Divine and Yourself the more You can trust others. The more you allow yourself to trust the more you can experience LOVE. And the more you allow yourself to experience LOVE… well then … YOU ARE FREE.
You are so loved so love yourself just as much!
Love Yourself! Inspiration Assignment
Journal about the following questions:
1) Do you tell others and your own SELF the truth about what you want, what you believe, your thoughts and feelings?
2) Do you switch your thoughts, feelings and beliefs to something else without allowing your original thoughts, feelings and beliefs to be what they are? 3) Are you willing to disappoint another to be true to yourself?
4) Can you protect your boundaries when someone violates you?
5) Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe?
6) Are you consistent in your words and actions?
7) Do you say one thing and then do another?
8) Can someone else trust you?
9) Does the Self within you trust you?
10) What did I learn about myself?